IN WHICH EMERSON DOES NOT DIE
CHARACTERS
EMERSON – 23, male, Leigh and Eric’s roommate
LEIGH – 23, female, Emerson and Eric’s roommate
JANE – 26, female, Eric’s older sister
ADAM – 24, male, Eric’s hometown friend
SETTING
The play takes place in present time, in a small church in eastern British Columbia.
SET
Rustic interior of church. Pews line up (at an angle so the audience can see the characters) to face a small platform (a stage built on the actual theater stage) and a podium. The audience watches from a side-view with the pews on one side of the stage and the church stage on the other. Drab decorations.
Scene one
Lights up on Emerson and Leigh, sitting in the back row of pews.
EMERSON
(looking at audience) You ever feel like you don’t belong in your body? Like your skin is too tight and your hands feel like they shouldn’t be there, that they should just fall on the floor and crawl off like spiders?
LEIGH
(to Emerson) Do you think he suffered?
EMERSON
(to audience) I’ve got that feeling right now.
(to Leigh) Probably.
LEIGH
Jesus, Emerson.
EMERSON
I can’t imagine being run over by a bus and not feeling something.
LEIGH
Show some sensitivity, okay? There are people here that really cared –
EMERSON
I cared about Eric. I still care about Eric. I’m being honest.
LEIGH
Well, find that line between being honest and being an asshole, alright?
Jane enters; walks over to Emerson and Leigh.
JANE
Hey, kiddos. How was the drive?
EMERSON
Long.
LEIGH
So scenic. And it was good to get out of the house. Eric’s room seems so empty now… How are you doing?
JANE
Oh, you know…
EMERSON
Exactly as expected?
JANE
Precisely that. Mom’s having a pre-funeral cry in the car; Luke’s trying to calm her down. So everything is up to sister-of-the-recently-deceased and I don’t even know where that fucking priest is…
Jane looks around the church, then back to Leigh and Emerson.
JANE
Wanna hear a great joke about catholic priests? Not priests, really, it’s more of a catholic joke.
LEIGH
Uh-
JANE
So an Irish cop sees a man about to jump off a bridge, and he runs up to him and shouts, “Stop! Don’t jump! Think about your wife and kids!” And the man shouts back, “I don’t have any kids, or a wife!”
“Well then think of your mother!”
“No mother!”
“Your father?”
“No father.” So the officer runs through everyone he can think of: friends, grandparents, cousins, coworkers. Finally he shouts, “Well think of the Virgin Mary!” The man goes, “Who?” And the cop shouts, “Jump, protestant, you’re holding up traffic!”
Jane slaps Leigh’s shoulder, laughs, exits.
Emerson flashes his palms to the audience, fingers splayed.
EMERSON
(to audience) Just crawling off like spiders.
Fade out.
Scene two
Lights up on Leigh and Jane sitting on the steps of the church stage. Jane has a computer on her lap which she is using to show Leigh photos.
JANE
Oh, and here he is when he turned three.
LEIGH
He really likes that cake! That’s adorable.
JANE
Wait ‘til you see the baby pics mom took in the Okanagan. (singsong) Let’s just say that Eric forgot his swimsuit at the ho-teeelll.
LEIGH
I don’t think I want to see those!
JANE
Man, Eric would kill me if he knew I was showing you this stuff.
LEIGH
Oh… I guess he would.
JANE
Yeah…
Beat.
JANE
If you had to do it, how would you?
LEIGH
Excuse me?
JANE
Like…
Jane draws a thumb across her throat and clicks her tongue in an over-exaggerated, joking manner.
JANE
You know. Like Eric. How’d you do it?
LEIGH
Oh. Um. I wouldn’t?
JANE
Uh-uh, that’s a cop out. (beat) I’d probably do the whole slit wrists in the bathtub routine. Real romantic. I could draw a nice, hot bubble bath, put on some music, and shhkk end of story.
Long beat. Emerson enters.
EMERSON
What are you guys doing?
JANE
Setting up photos for the slideshow.
Emerson leans down to look at the computer screen.
EMERSON
Where’s Eric’s swimsuit?
Jane and Leigh laugh.
JANE
Hey, Emerson, since you’re here… I need a favour.
EMERSON
Okay…
JANE
Check on my mom? She and Luke might still be out in the parking lot.
EMERSON
Um…
JANE
Don’t worry, you don’t have to talk to them or anything, I just want to know if they’re still here.
EMERSON
That I can do.
Emerson moves to stage opposite, at back row of pews as lights fade on Jane and Leigh. Adam enters where Emerson is moving to exit.
ADAM
Hey man, is this- Wait, you’re Emerson right?
Adam extends his hand and Emerson shakes it.
EMERSON
Yeah, um… You’re…?
ADAM
Adam? I was Eric’s best friend in high school?
EMERSON
Oh! Right.
ADAM
Yeah, he’s got a bunch of pictures of the two of you on Facebook, and he talks about you all the time. Talked. Sorry. Hey, are you doing a eulogy?
EMERSON
Hadn’t planned on it.
ADAM
Oh. Well, I haven’t been asked to by his mom yet, but I’m pretty sure she wants me to go up, you know, tell a funny story. Something like that. (beat) Do you mind if I run it by you?
EMERSON
I guess.
ADAM
Okay. (clears throat) So I see a lot of familiar faces out there. Maybe you remember me from hanging out with Eric, or because Eric invited me to a family dinner, etcetera, etcetera. Anyways, I say we not mourn Eric’s death, but celebrate-
EMERSON
What are you doing?
ADAM
The eulogy?
EMERSON
Just skip to the story. I’m sure the opener’s fine.
ADAM
Oh, sure, fair enough. Okay, so this was back in high school, and me and Eric-
EMERSON
Eric and I.
ADAM
Eric and I had just left the end-of-year formal, and we had a bit of Jack’s, bit of-
EMERSON
Wait, hold up.
ADAM
What?
EMERSON
You can’t say that.
ADAM
Why not? It’s a funny story. Me and Eric had-
EMERSON
His mom and grandma are going to be here. You can’t say any of that stuff.
ADAM
Listen man, I know you lived with Eric for a bit, but that doesn’t mean you know him and his friends and his family like I do, okay?
EMERSON
Look, Adam-
ADAM
No, you look. I’ve been friends with Eric since grade eight. I don’t know if living with him for a bit gives you the right to come here and be… be an asshole to his best friend.
EMERSON
What-
Adam exits. Beat.
EMERSON
(to audience) Okay. I can see why he and Eric would be friends. They’re… peas-in-a-pod-esque, I suppose. When I first met Eric. When he stumbled over to Leigh at a party, plucked the cigarette from her fingers and dropped it in some passerby’s drink. Mumbling about, “Those things killing you”. That seems like Adam. Graceful as a drunken ballerina.
Jane enters.
JANE
How’d it go?
EMERSON
Not good. He’s crazy. Or just an idiot.
JANE
You talked to Luke? I mean, he can be a bit intense sometimes but-
EMERSON
Not your stepdad. Adam.
JANE
Who?
EMERSON
Exactly.
JANE
But you found my mom?
EMERSON
Oh.
JANE
Forget it, I’ll find them.
EMERSON
Shit, I’m sorry, Jane-
JANE
It’s fine. Really.
EMERSON
Do you want some help with anything else or-
JANE
Emerson. It’s fine.
Beat. Jane moves to exit, then turns back to Emerson.
JANE
Can I ask you something?
EMERSON
I… yeah, what’s up?
JANE
Did you… (sighs) Did you ever have any idea?
EMERSON
Idea? About…?
JANE
I mean… Eric. Did you ever have any sort of suspicion? You and Leigh lived with him for a while, I feel like… maybe…
EMERSON
Jane-
JANE
No, stupid question, sorry. I’m going to find mom and Luke.
EMERSON
I had no clue.
JANE
No, I thought so. Christ, I’m sorry that I even brought it up. (beat) Look… Don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you come?
EMERSON
(laughing nervously) I… How am I not supposed to take that the wrong way?
JANE
No, I mean… That came out wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have come, really, I’m happy you and Leigh are here. I need all the help I can get running the show for my dead brother. I mean, what made you want to come all this way?
EMERSON
Eric was my roommate. And a friend, to some extent. (beat) I guess I came for Leigh mostly. I didn’t want her to come alone.
JANE
That’s good of you.
EMERSON
(to audience) Honestly? I didn’t want Leigh coming here and thinking Eric was the end of the world. I think he’s dead. I think she needs to realize that doesn’t make him the second coming of Christ.
JANE
She must miss him more than anyone.
EMERSON
She would?
JANE
You know. I bet she’s going to be the worst case today. I’m surprised she’s been keeping the floodgates closed for so long.
Beat. Emerson stares at Jane.
EMERSON
Oh my god.
JANE
Look after her okay? She needs someone right now.
Jane squeezes Emerson’s arm and exits.
EMERSON
(to audience) Where the hell is Leigh?
Fadeout.
Scene three
Lights up on Leigh and Adam standing at church stage. There is a wreath and picture of Eric in graduation gown and hat beside the podium now. Leigh watches it.
ADAM
So what do you think?
LEIGH
Um…
ADAM
Maybe I should start with the story? Like a cold open. Then I’d get into the inspiring, yet heartwarming stuff that, you know, moves past Eric and really reaches a wider audience, maybe with some metaphors. What do you think?
Leigh turns to Adam.
LEIGH
Honest opinion?
ADAM
Honest opinion.
LEIGH
That story is hilarious.
ADAM
Right? See, Emerson-
LEIGH
But you can’t tell it in front of everyone.
ADAM
But-
LEIGH
No. Go think of a new one. Ryan, right?
ADAM
Adam.
LEIGH
Adam. I’m sure you have plenty of stories.
ADAM
I do. (beat) Yeah, you know what? I do!
LEIGH
That’s the spirit.
ADAM
What are you doing after the funeral?
LEIGH
Go think up a story.
ADAM
You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, right?
Adam exits. Emerson enters, bumping shoulders with Adam before standing next to Leigh.
EMERSON
I’m having trouble coming up with what to say.
LEIGH
You’re planning a eulogy too now?
EMERSON
You fucked him.
LEIGH
What? Emerson-
EMERSON
I can’t believe it. You fucked Eric.
LEIGH
Don’t say it like that.
EMERSON
What would you prefer? Screwed? Slept with?
LEIGH
Emerson-
EMERSON
Got laid?
LEIGH
Emerson!
EMERSON
Horizontal fucking mambo?
LEIGH
EMERSON SHUT UP.
Long beat.
EMERSON
Were you guys in love?
LEIGH
Jesus.
EMERSON
That’s a valid question, I think.
LEIGH
No. Not at all. We were just… fucking.
EMERSON
More than once?
LEIGH
For a while.
EMERSON
Christ. Leigh-
LEIGH
Why do you care?
EMERSON
Maybe I don’t like being in the dark. Or being a third wheel, stupid as that sounds. (beat) Maybe I just don’t want you doing something like that with-
LEIGH
With someone like Eric.
EMERSON
I didn’t say that.
LEIGH
You don’t need to.
EMERSON
I think… I think I knew, sort of. But I always thought that… well, we-
LEIGH
It was… it was never about me. It was always Eric that needed somebody.
Long beat.
EMERSON
I need a smoke. Do you have cigarettes?
Leigh shakes her head.
EMERSON
Someone will have cigarettes.
(to audience) I want fresh air. That might be asking too much of this claustrophobic town, locked chest crammed with old heirlooms and childhood toys; broken strings and faulty windups. Open space would be nice.
Emerson exits. Long beat. Jane enters.
JANE
There you are. People will be coming soon. Are we all ready?
LEIGH
Yeah. I guess so.
JANE
Great. Slideshow is touching and informative; relatives are arriving and weepy; eulogies are appropriately optimistic and melancholic. Let’s break a leg here.
LEIGH
I can break a leg.
JANE
Leigh?
LEIGH
Yeah?
JANE
Thanks.
LEIGH
Oh… you’re welcome.
JANE
No, seriously.
Jane pulls Leigh into a hug.
JANE
You were there for him. I think he needed that. So thank you.
LEIGH
What? Jane-
Leigh pulls away from Jane.
LEIGH
It wasn’t… we were just…
JANE
I… Shit. I assumed… He talked about… you two… He talked like it was-
LEIGH
It wasn’t.
Beat.
JANE
Did you ever get any clue? About him?
Beat.
LEIGH
Sometimes… sometimes you could tell.
JANE
Ah. Well. I’m sure you did everything you could.
LEIGH
I don’t know. Maybe.
Crossfade on Jane and Leigh at church stage, lights up on back pews where Emerson paces. Adam enters.
ADAM
Hi, Emerson. (beat) Can we talk?
EMERSON
I guess.
ADAM
About Eric.
EMERSON
Can we not just fight about your eulogy?
ADAM
This is serious! I need you to be serious.
EMERSON
I am serious. I’m always serious, Owen.
ADAM
Adam.
EMERSON
I’m serious. (beat) Do you have any cigarettes?
ADAM
I don’t smoke.
EMERSON
Healthy of you.
ADAM
You’re still a good friend.
Emerson stops.
EMERSON
(laughing) I’m still what?
ADAM
A good friend. To Eric. I know that’s what you were mad about.
EMERSON
You-
ADAM
I figured it out. You feel bad.
EMERSON
I don’t. I do not feel bad.
ADAM
Do you want… you know? A hug? Crying would help-
EMERSON
He was the shit friend. You can… comprehend that right? I have no idea who you are, Adam. Eric never mentioned you, but you make it seem like you were soul mates. Does that sound like a good friend?
ADAM
That doesn’t mean-
EMERSON
Eric was never there. He was always concerned with himself, and he thought that was the most interesting thing to be about. If he had to step on some feet to stumble towards personal satisfaction, then it was worth it.
ADAM
Hey, Eric is dead–
EMERSON
He disappeared one day, fucked off to this pinprick-on-the-map town for a month and then boom, offed himself. He left you and me to sweep up his shit, douse it in air freshener, and pretend it doesn’t smell like dead bodies in here.
ADAM
I mean… you guys are friends…
EMERSON
We are… were… (beat) There was this one summer… Leigh broke up with this guy she’d been seeing for three years. They were practically engaged. It was hell, she was just a wreck. I was sweeping her up off the floor every night and gluing her back together, only to have her fall apart the next day. You know where Eric was?
ADAM
Not there?
EMERSON
Not a fucking chance. As soon as he heard about Leigh he was out the door and gone for two weeks. Crashing on couches around town, or slinking through his mom’s door, who knows? I called him one day and he was just piss drunk. As if he was the son of a bitch who needed a drink. That was just the kind of guy he was, but what kind of person does that?
ADAM
I don’t know.
EMERSON
The same kind of person that does what he did to himself. A selfish person.
Long beat.
ADAM
I feel like… like I don’t know him…
EMERSON
Obviously not.
ADAM
So… I guess… you’re mad at him…
EMERSON
No shit.
ADAM
Because he…
EMERSON
Because he was selfish.
Long beat.
ADAM
That sounds normal. (beat) Like… everybody wants to do best for themselves, right? Adam was just… another guy, you know? Selfish sounds… ordinary. To me, at least.
Adam exits.
EMERSON
(to audience) It’s eleven… maybe twelve at night, and Eric is heading home. From a party, a bar. Who knows. It’s a quiet night. The dark quiet, where the street is black and splotched by golden-yellow streetlamps. A bus turns the corner. Busy street during the day. Driver wants to clock out; passengers want to get to their stop. In some… some impulsive action, some spur of the moment decision, Eric steps off the curb and drops in front of the blinding, white headlights. No time for brakes. Body crunches against fender, maybe a bike strapped to the front. Crumples and rolls beneath the wheels. Mind sputters and shuts down. Soul gasps and flees flesh. Eric is dead.
Fadeout.
Scene four
The funeral is just beginning to take place for the duration of this scene. There is background noise: a murmur of a crowd, an organ playing.
Spotlight on Adam in front row of pews. He is leaning backwards into second row of pews as if talking to someone behind him.
ADAM
And then, by the time we got the car out of the impound lot, Eric just looks at me and says, “Adam, please take me to the hospital.” No, seriously! Just deadpan: “Adam, I need medical attention.” Right? It’s such a good story!
Fade out on Adam. Spotlight on Jane in middle row of pews. She is ducking away from the noise of the event and trying to speak into a cellphone.
JANE
No, grandma, suicide. Not homicide! Suicide! Like noose, gun in the mouth, sleeping in the car with the gas on, pills and booze. Yes… Yes, like Robin Williams. Yes, I loved him in Mrs. Doubtfire too. I know, I know, such a waste of talent. Yes, well I’ll tell mom you’re sorry you couldn’t come. No, no, I understand. (beat) Aladdin. Aladdin, grandma! You’re thinking of Aladdin!
Fade out on Jane. Spotlight on Leigh, back row of pews. Emerson enters and squeezes into the seat next to her. Emerson and Leigh stare forwards.
LEIGH
You reek.
EMERSON
I found cigarettes. Great-Aunt Mel. She’s a goddamn chimney. I’m surprised this isn’t her funeral.
LEIGH
Remember what I said about not being too honest? (beat) But you seem… better.
EMERSON
I’m not worse, per se.
LEIGH
We’re not going to bring up… you-know-what again?
EMERSON
Why bother. It won’t change anything that’s already happened.
LEIGH
It won’t. (beat) Did we… did we do everything we could? To help him?
EMERSON
Wouldn’t have changed anything if we had.
LEIGH
You know he wasn’t a bad person, right?
EMERSON
Maybe. He wasn’t a great person. He was just a person.
Leigh turns to Emerson and fumbles with his tie.
LEIGH
Emerson… just remember… This isn’t your funeral.
Leigh finishes straightening Emerson’s tie and pats his shoulder.
LEIGH
You’re still not dead.
EMERSON
(to audience) I know that.
Blackout.